Since I was an innocent little girl, I dreamed of having a large family. I longed for little people I could nurture, guide, protect, and love deeply.

While my husband and I were just friends, we’d talk about our past, present, and future, dreaming of the story we desired our lives to weave. Once we began dating, we started to dream of the fairytale we’d create, the stories we’d tell… and we learned that love comes softly. 

Throughout our journey, we soon came to repeat a hopeful mantra: “Our Story, His glory.” Yes, the fairytales we were creating involved endless dreams and hopes–but they were also accompanied by a few stabs and jabs that made the fairytales not so magical! This phrase served as a reminder that His story would be our guiding light forevermore, and everything would be for His glory, not ours.

A Mother’s Wish

I recall the day I held my belly as I looked in the mirror, saying, “God, I now desire to have six kids… but seven is the number of completion, so maybe I’ll land there!” In that moment, there was so much unforeseen by me. Admittedly, bearing children and raising them in the beautiful chaos my life had become made me second guess if having all those children was a good idea.

While pregnant with my fourth, I experienced sickness and discomfort in such a way that I vowed she would be the last one. I honestly didn’t think I could endure pregnancy again after she was born. Bringing her into the world stretched my faith in countless imaginable ways, leading me to believe I didn’t have the capacity for more.

However, after Demario and I discussed a potential fifth baby, we decided that maybe we did have the capacity for another after all. And we were blessed with our sweet and sassy Stormie Love.

The Unforeseen

Then life happened. Roadblocks were popping up in so many directions of my life, so I’d decided a ton of things were off the table–especially a baby. Additionally, my body began to behave unpredictably, and before I knew it, I was at the doctor’s office to get to the bottom of it all… only to discover I was unexpectedly pregnant.

Unfortunately, this pregnancy was paired with a number of inexplicable complications, eventually leading our sweet baby to join Jesus. I landed on the name Chosen for this child, our beautiful baby number six–chosen to be with our Father in Heaven for reasons we’ll never know or fully comprehend. But God’s still God!

During that time, I remember the weight of so many thoughts, emotions, and tears. In the Uber, on the ride to the hospital for my surgery, I couldn’t make sense of my life. I just played “Goodness of God” on repeat. I’d only confided in two friends, one of whom called me and made me laugh uncontrollably until my husband arrived (football life) and they wheeled me to the back.

The next thing I knew, I woke up crying with no clarity or direction for anything beyond that moment. Life was becoming more difficult to navigate by the day, but I still decided to Believe in the One who holds it all together! Thy will be done!

That day, I told the Lord and my husband I was done having kids. After all, we had five beautiful blessings and one in heaven, and I really didn’t have the emotional capacity to do it again. I was drowning in more ways than one.

Fast Forward One Month…

After a trip to Italy, I did my own thing, my body did its thing, and I left that trip pregnant again! I was in shock, still grieving, and processing it all. I thought back to that day in the mirror when I mused about having seven children… and here we were. Paralyzed by fear and doubt, emotions running wild, I harbored the secret from everyone except my doctors for five months. I waited until seven months to tell my immediate family. The world learned the news just one week before her delivery!

My pregnancy with her was by far the easiest, while my delivery was by far the hardest.

The Delivery

Babygirl remained head down and in ideal delivery position for months, but at 37.5 weeks, she decided to flip breech. I refused to schedule a C-section and instead wanted to attempt to move her head down, which I knew came with some risk… but this was a risk I was willing to take to have a natural birth, as I have had with all my babes. 

Once she moved her head down, we followed through with inducing labor to prevent other complications. As I often say, “Many are the plans of a man…” With her head down, our baby girl decided to stick her arm and foot above her head, which made it impossible to deliver her naturally without breaking her bones.

I was devastated. Terrified. I couldn’t process anything for some time. However, we needed to move quickly, since I was already 6 centimeters dilated and contracting. As I rolled down the hall bawling my eyes out, for some odd reason, I wondered if something dramatic and life-altering would happen today. My panic mounted as I received the spinal tap and couldn’t feel myself breathing. Although they gave me oxygen and calmed me, everyone was aware I was on edge.

Then my beautiful doctor entered and, knowing how overwhelmed I was, she requested that the speaker be turned on. I had no idea what she was doing, but it soon became apparent as worship music began to play. I sang and meditated on the lyrics about how good my God is!

Burning tears continued rolling down my face as they announced her arrival. Right as she was coming out, a series of events took place.

She was stuck. They were experiencing complications in getting her out. I could feel the energy of the room shifting as they moved quickly and forcefully, but the process seemed to take forever.

I began to feel pressure in my chest and abdominal areas, and I heard people calling for backup.

As I looked into the light, I felt like I was in a scene in Grey’s Anatomy. I wondered if, at this moment, my life would end, or if the life of the baby would end… or if we’d both go.

This all took place over the course of four and a half minutes after I was cut open, but it seemed like an eternity, and my emotions remained scattered after the fact.

Recovery

Finally, they got her out safely, returning us to the recovery room. Little did I know that this would be the most challenging recovery to date. In the past, I took pride in pushing a baby out and returning to regularly scheduled activities the next day. This wasn’t the case this time around.

I’ve had an extremely rough recovery. From being unable to walk to needing assistance to hold and feed my baby, a list of graphic struggles unfolded in the months following her birth. 

But I’m still here, she’s still growing beautifully, and God’s still on the throne! Baby #7 felt like the completion of my husband’s and my family, but I’ve learned to place no limits on who He is and the plan He has for my life.

Reflection

So much beauty and so many ashes led to our latest little one’s conception and birth. There are so many valuable people who have been along for the journey, and the STORY of Story-James’s life is beautiful, life-altering, and God-ordained. I’m confident that her life song will move mountains and bring Glory to the one who makes all things new!

It’s OUR STORY that God is authoring, but it’s my prayer that every ounce of it is used for HIS GLORY!

What a year! 

2022 consisted of many mountaintop, valley, and desert experiences. I began the year feeling content and ecstatic about so many new visions. Some of them may have been a little over the top, but others were certainly manageable. I was experiencing immense joy and felt on top of the mountain. 

I won’t lie and say that every smile was authentic and every yes was pure. Social media shows the highlights and I can’t say every photo or post accurately depicted where I was in that current moment – especially because my dream team plans months in advance.  

Somewhere in the middle of the year, I was hit with unendurable pain, falling into a valley. I will be honest in saying that I was shaken. I questioned God a time or two, and I’ve had to use every imaginable strength I possess to keep standing.

However, countless unique opportunities presented themselves, and now I’m keeping my head above water with a ridiculous amount of hope!

Life is a rollercoaster ride.

You either get on the ride with great anticipation of fun or nervousness about what could possibly go wrong. But once you buckle your seatbelt there’s no certainty of what your overall experience will be. Regardless of what you’re experiencing on the ride, you’re not in control of operations, so you can’t just jump off if you become uncomfortable. You have to allow the rollercoaster to run its course. 

The same is true in life. Nothing is certain, so all you can do is buckle up and make it through whatever comes your way. You must endure the good and the bad, all while putting your faith in God and trusting that He has a plan. 

So as I reflect on 2022, I beam, I weep, and I rejoice. I remember that although many of my circumstances and people changed, God never did! Even when I felt shaken, he reminded me why unshakable is in my DNA. The one thing I will forever cling to is Him. As I wait on Him I will praise Him because I’ve seen His goodness and His faithfulness!

I urge you to reflect on your 2022. Don’t minimize or maximize what the year was filled with. Write down everything you can recall about your mountain, valley, and desert experiences. The hardships make the good moments even sweeter. Everything you’ve gone through has helped you to grow. I assure you that not an ounce of it will be wasted!

Looking ahead to 2023.

I’m not sure what’s ahead in 2023. But I’m self-assured I will continue to pursue He who makes all things new and unconditionally loves me beyond measure. I will continue to give my people my best, but only after I’ve poured my cup first – affirming myself like never before. Finally, I will no longer dim my light for others to shine. There’s enough darkness in the room for us to all authentically shine!