Facebook memory pop-ups! You gotta love ‘em! There was a lengthy post I wrote back in December 2015 that popped up just the other day. I found it amazing that I mentioned The F Word blog website coming in the new year of 2016. Well, it’s been a long time coming! God gave me this vision so long ago, and today, I am thrilled to see it all come together in perfect timing.
Here’s the New Year’s flashback:
Facebook Journal Entry Dec. 2015 —
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a perfectionist with a mild case of OCD, who adores family and domestic tasks. My husband often ask why do I insist that our house looks as if we don’t live in it. Umm, I have no idea! Everything has a place, maybe. When our family visits they often walk on eggshells attempting to meet my expectations for the cleanliness of our home.
My friends often wonder what my position as a “Domestic Engineer” entails. Let’s just say, I don’t sit down all day unless I’m nursing our infant or using the potty, and in my mind, I wear a cape! Each morning, I rise with a mission, and keeping the kids happy and the house clean are BIG – although I sometimes fail (not so good for perfectionist).
This morning, I started my day in our War Room, and I had what I thought was a clear vision of how I would execute our day. I got our daughter dressed. As I began the process for our son, my daughter began to create this mess with her things. As I turned around to stop her, my son begins to shoot urine onto the ceiling and floor. LOL… What should I do? I wanted to panic, but I decided to proceed with him and let her be! She’s trying to find a headband for her outfit, I told myself. I started to clean up this mess, but something told me to stop. I decided to laugh, sit my son down and embrace the moment!
While snapping this photo [pictured below] for the grandparents, I realized I needed to hurry to get them breakfast before leaving for an appointment.
Let’s just say another huge mess was created in the kitchen. Usually, I’d panic and rush to clean up the mess, but there was a voice inside me that said “not today”. I smiled and rapidly packed up the kids to get out the door. With a baby bag and purse on my shoulder, a 29lb baby and car seat in my hand, and a 25lb toddler on my hip, I rushed to the car.
Then, I realized I didn’t have on my shoes. LOL! I ran back into the house with my entire body being weighed down to grab my shoes and looked around at the messes that had been made. Wow! I could hear the voices of my family and friends saying, “…and you want 6 kids?” I kissed my little lambs and literally laughed out loud, thinking, “Yep, 2 and 4 to go!” This is something minor I usually make major.
Once we returned, our toddler decided to give her brother and herself a yogurt bath. I found humor in this too!
What would have normally turned into a day of stress with a “Martha” spirit, turned into a day full of answered prayers, joy, chaos, laughter, and quality time with the ones I love so deeply! If someone walked in right now, they’d think I’m cracking up, and ask if I’m ok. But today is the 1st day I honestly would rather have a messy house full of kids, love, quality time, and laughter, instead of a super clean one with no one to share it with!
Often, we waste energy on things that are irrelevant or try to figure out what’s next in life. Instead, we should embrace each season we’re in and learn to have a “Mary heart” in a “Martha world”!
Now, off to love on these little lambs, the mess can wait!
This morning, as I continued my organization task from yesterday, I began to notice all the substitutions we have and use regularly.
Because of our children’s allergies, we use dairy substitutes. With personal health preferences, we also use some sugar substitutions or essential oils instead of medicines. Out of curiosity, we have some meat substitutions as well. In addition to that, I have been a substitute teacher before. I’ve even substituted for my husband with calls and meetings. The list goes on. Strolling throughout the house, blasting my worship music, I noticed that there are a number of things we use daily that serves in place of something else.
Substitutions… alternatives… the words were briefly stuck in my head.
As I sang along with one of my favorite worship songs, something dawned on me that I really hadn’t thought of in the previous moments.
Jesus was the substitution for me! I processed how He took my place on the cross, laying down His life to set me free. I rightfully deserve what He endured, but he willingly endured it all for me.
Wow! Think about that for a moment.
I absolutely love that we have alternatives for allergies, medications, diets, etc. — but I’m most grateful for Jesus, the perfect One, becoming an alternate for me at Calvary.
It’s learning the power of healthy boundaries and saying no. That not every outstanding ministry opportunity is for me to commit to.
It’s accepting that I don’t need a huge, immaculate home to create the life I desire for my family and to be a servant, mentor, or entertainer.
It’s understanding that no matter what I do, I can’t and don’t need to please everyone. As long as I’m pleasing Him, everything else will follow.
It’s coming back to the heart of worship where everything I do is all about my Father, for His glory.
It’s taking the standards of the world (family and friends included) off myself and replacing them with the standards of God. Not “gaining the world and losing my soul.” (Matthew 16:26)
It’s living in light of the Gospel daily. Tim Keller says, “The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” God’s love is unconditional and I don’t need to become a better version of me to receive all that he has to offer. It’s a free gift from Him.
It’s letting the Holy Spirit guide my life, not my flesh: I love what Romans 8:5-6 says: Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. I have found this so true that when my mind is governed by the flesh, life feels unrestful, complicated, and empty.
It’s not trying to be the co-author of my own life, for my story is already written and it’s far greater than anything I could attempt to write on my own.
It’s learning the importance of having a “Mary heart in a Martha’s world.” Sitting at his feet. Resting in Him. Trusting His purpose, plan, and process.
It’s surrendering everything to Him: thoughts, emotions, and actions.
It’s being in the Word daily and seeking to walk in obedience.
I think the simplicity God is calling me to can be summed up in the word abide. As Jesus says, “Abide in me, and I in you” (John 15:4). Keep company with Jesus in simple and pure fellowship, devotion, and intimacy. Stay near to Him in vital connection. This is the greatest privilege we have! Like I said, it’s not easy with the myriad of distractions from without and within, but it is simple and leads to life and fruitfulness!
The year of 2016 was a chaotic year for our family. We relocated into our 4th house in four years, moved to Cleveland to start a new job with our second NFL team, welcomed a baby girl (making us outnumbered with 3 kids under 3), attempted to maintain other relationships, accepted ministry opportunities (which didn’t always align with our schedule) — and the list goes on.
One morning, as I sat drinking my coffee, I began to reflect on the past 5 years of my life.
Wow, things had really changed!
I was no longer a single graduate student working 2 jobs while juggling classes and a social life. I am now a wife (of an NFL player), mom to 3 babies, a professional mover, loyal friend, mentor, entertainer, servant, chef, and Christian (just to name a few). While I love my life and roles, I find in my heart a desire for a little individual success to compete with my husband’s. Sometimes, other people make me feel as if my roles are insignificant. It often feels like an emotional war is being waged in my mind and heart, and my self-esteem is deteriorating.
As I reflected on the tensions I felt, I realized that I did not have enough boundaries. The only people I found myself saying no to were God (“not right now”), my husband (“my way is better”), and myself (“you’re ok, continue to pour into those around you, you’ll rest and enjoy life later”).
I was drained. I’d been giving all of me to various things and people while forgetting to take care of myself, trust my husband’s leadership, and draw closer to God.
I’ve always been a people pleaser who put a lot of focus on my image, but it had multiplied tremendously with these new responsibilities. Although I’m a Christian and know God’s truth and commands, I was falling short daily. Why? Because I was attempting to maintain a Christian life while submitting to the world’s standards. I felt divided. I felt guilty about the platform God gave my family and I. I was looking around trying to find fulfillment in my roles or blessings. Day after day, night after night, I was coming up empty.
The smile I wore with family and friends was contagious, but the emptiness on the inside was depressing. “How did I end up here? I didn’t sign up for this. I want my old life back,” I would think. The battle of comments and questions with myself got even deeper. Then I came to yet another realization. I ended up here because I unconsciously insisted on making my life complicated. Of course, I didn’t just sit down one day and say, “I’m going to make my life as complicated as possible.” But I did unknowingly make daily decisions in light of that.
Life could have been simple, but it became complex when time and time again I tried too hard to please others and make them happy. It became complex when I stopped embracing the moments in front of me and instead focused on the future. It became complex when I spent more time attempting to create perfect moments than I did to simply enjoy them. It became complex when I spent countless hours trying to maintain a perfect image as a wife, mom, homemaker, and friend, forgetting that God loves me unconditionally right where I’m at and sees me as perfect because I am united with Christ (the only Perfect One). It became complex when I utilized a tremendous amount of energy and time having pity parties, being a fault-finder of others, and trying to fit into the NFL lifestyle, all while trying to manage the perfect home-life that I now submit doesn’t exist.
As I got to the end of my coffee, I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Why? Because in that small moment GOD revealed to me that it was time for me to simplify. He revealed to me that the life he created for me was simple (though not easy!), and I had been making it too complicated.
Earlier last year, as we were going through free agency, I was interested in exploring any “callings” God might have for me outside of the home to serve Him and use any gifts He has given me.
Around that time, I found out about a weekly bible study/prayer call with a group of ladies whose facilitator is very gifted in discerning other people’s gifts and where God might be leading them. This call started out being pretty good for me, but then I started to realize a few things going on in my own heart that gave me pause.
One thing I realized is that I was trusting too much in the words of this leader versus going to God and His Word first and primarily. When you are in a dark place where you are waiting to hear from God and trying to see which way He is leading you, it’s easy to look for things yourself rather than being still, faithfully searching His Word, listening, and trusting God to reveal things to you in His timing. It’s easy to start searching and reaching for things that you might want to hear. While seeking human counsel is a God-given, wonderful thing, and God often speaks through the wisdom of the counsel of many (Proverbs 15:22), it should never be a substitute for seeking God’s Word and voice first.
I also realized that I was starting to build my life around the things that this woman was telling me. One night, as I was laying in bed, I really felt the still small voice of the Spirit say to me, “Be still and know that I am God. Stop trying to figure things out on your own. Stop relying on someone else to tell you where I am leading you. While people have gifts, you can’t trust the gifts of man more than My Word and Truth.” Wow! This word changed my heart and my whole approach to seeking Him and His direction.
I felt like God was giving me discernment in two ways: the first was to illuminate and correct my own impatient heart that was seeking direction in the wrong way and not trusting primarily in Him. The second was to help me see a few things that were a little bit “off” in this leader’s counsel and ministry that didn’t fully resonate with the Word of God. He showed me why it is so important to know His Word! We need to know His Word so that we can discern His voice among all the other “voices” in the world, so that he can lead us in righteousness and truth, and so that we can discern errors when we confront them, even slight errors from Godly and wise people.
In the future, as I pursue God’s direction and leading, I pray my quest will be marked by seeking Him and His word first, patience, surrender, discernment, and trust in Him. And I will surely seek counsel from Godly, trusted people as well, but not in place of seeking God first.“Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” (Acts 17:11)
Enjoy a space to connect, be empowered and educated to seek Jesus wholeheartedly, identify blind spots, seek growth, learn to love, forgive, laugh, cook amazing food, and understand that living the in the spotlight is not always roses & candy.
