Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator. Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions in Boundaries, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
My Review:
I absolutely love this book! Boundaries is an answered prayer and a sanity refresher. It has given me the ultimate motivation to level up and not feel guilty about adding balance to my life.
Because I aim to live a selfless life, I often felt that by saying “no” and creating boundaries I would end up hurting others and destroying many relationships. Attempting to establish boundaries led me to feel guilty and selfish. However, this book revealed a huge myth that I’d been living with. I learned the difference between selfishness and stewardship.
In Boundaries, Henry Cloud does an exceptional job enlightening readers of the power and freedom that is gained by simply placing boundaries in specific areas of life. I loved that he relies heavily on biblical scriptures to support the book’s text. It provided clear confirmation that having boundaries does not make me selfish or non-Christian. It simply empowers me to love and live freely, responsibly and without guilt and exhaustion!
In reading this, I learned that people who cannot accept or respect some of my “no’s” are the people who I clearly don’t need in my life. Those people usually disappear or frequently become emotional when their manipulation power is no longer valid.
Although that’s a hard reality, I’ve learned to be ok with that.
Applying This Book to My Life
In applying the tools I’ve learned in the book, I simply created a list of things I value. I’ve placed that list in order of importance and wrote rules that I say no to without hesitation and things I strongly consider. I’ve also created a list of things that I typically don’t like to engage in or cause me stress. I’m an introverted extrovert (many disagree, lol), so I need my time away from outside chaos. (I have enough chaos with keeping all the little people alive and well!)
I also established some pre-typed text messages, speeches and lines that I use for recurring requests, and more, to place strong boundaries around certain things. I was once in a place where I was not the healthiest version of myself, and most of it stemmed from having minimum boundaries. Now, because of this book, I’m constantly taking control over my own life — not guiltying myself into saying “yes” to things or people who inconvenience or distract me from doing what God has called me to do first or things that are priority for The Davis’ family.
I’ve skimmed through this book over and over for the years. It’s so important to keep it fresh on my mind. After moving from city to city (one out of the 10 times), I misplaced it in the shuffle. During a time when I was significantly struggling with having “boundaries”, one of my favorite girls (@BrittBreezie 😉) got me a new one! I’m actually currently refreshing up on this one at the moment. This time around, I read it with a different approach. I’m all about my boundaries now!
Surrounding myself with people of like-minded faith has positively shaped my walk with God and how I interact with the world around me. My faith community has been instrumental in my growth, accountability, and discipleship.
These relationships with those who share my faith have exposed me to challenges and Christian models to follow and not to follow. I am constantly reminded not to become content in my walk with God because it’s an ongoing pursuit. There is no finish line in pursuing God; He’s much too big to know everything about in this lifetime. I choose to focus on seeking him more in ways that are simple and tangible for me.
There are three ways I choose to strengthen my relationship with God.
I build myself up through worship music. I feel at peace, connected to the vine (God) and in communication with Him.
I pray. Prayer is another important piece. I love being vulnerable and intimate with God. Often when I can’t put my prayers into words, I just surrender my heart, thoughts, and emotions to Him.
I read God’s word. As a busy mom of four, designating time for this is often a daily struggle. However, whether I read a scripture, full passage, or watch Superbook with my kids, I cling to the message regardless of its length or depth. These things equip me to encourage myself and others.
I’m a firm believer that your faith community should consist of someone walking above you (a spiritual mentor), next to you (an accountability partner, friend, or someone going through the same stage of life as you), and someone following you (who you are investing in or discipling who may not be a believer, or is a new believer with a ton of questions). I strive to continually grow and live accountability, while serving God and others faithfully. Having these people, who are in different stages of their faith walk, allows me to see faith in action and exercise my own faith.
By having a strong faith community, my walk with God has been changed in the best way! Even in these three little methods, I feel myself getting closer to Him daily. I know that this is a continuous journey, which is why I stress the importance of a faith community. The same way a blood related family works to build and grow, your faith community should, too.
Growing a family is a challenge, especially in the NFL spotlight. It requires an abundance of sacrifice, time, and tear-filled pep talks to yourself in the car. Often, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I can’t begin to process how people navigate living inside this space without a relationship with Christ.
Football is what we do, not who we are. It is our platform and a job that at some point will end. When that time comes, our family will still have each other. I work to maintain proper perspective by first pursuing my relationship with Christ, then my relationships with my husband, Demario, my children, and then everything else. This has helped me establish boundaries to prevent outside distractions. Society has changed drastically in the last few decades, both inside and outside of the NFL. There are many interferences working to stand in the way of the time we could be spending with God and each other. As a family, we’re constantly reestablishing boundaries to remain intentional about our relationships in all the chaos.
For example, during the season, my husband and I have a weekly date night, and commit to an hour daily of heartfelt conversation before bed. As a family, we spend at least 15 minutes together in the mornings and evenings. Some ways we like to do that are by having the kids hang out in bed with us, by brushing our teeth together, or watching a worship video on YouTube. We also eat dinner together outside the house one night a week. When things become too chaotic to stay on routine, we adjust. We shut down the noise, prioritize, and pull out our Boundaries book (more about it below)! We do all this to be the best versions of ourselves for each other, our family, and our assignments.
https://gph.is/g/ajmP6zx
There was a time when we felt obligated to all those activities, but that was a lose-lose situation. We quickly learned that no matter what we do, it will NEVER be enough. People have placed so many unfair expectations on us, and when those expectations aren’t met, they become angry, distant, and harsh.
I’ll leave you with two great resources that have helped me on this path of intentionality:
These are two books I’ll never forget! We’ve learned to protect our energy, establish reasonable boundaries and not allow people to pressure us into things we don’t want or feel led to do! Talk about growth, especially for me! The freedom is unreal and the only expectations I’m aiming to meet these days are my Father’s. That’s all that will really matter at the end of this lifetime anyway!
One of the things I used to guilt myself into saying is “What would Jesus do?” — as if Jesus didn’t have any boundaries. I’d say to myself Oh, I have to do this… and this… and this… because Jesus would do it. This train of thought had me constantly pulling myself in so many directions that I ended up burnt out.
It wasn’t until I sat down with God and remembered that there must be order in place. “I have to focus on the order,” I went on to converse with God. “I have to seek You and see what it is that you’ve called me to do.” You see, there is a difference between your potential and your purpose. You have “the potential” to do an abundance of things, but are all those things your “purpose”? You have to ask the Father, “What is my purpose? What have you called me to do?”
See the difference between doing the good thing and the God thing. You can do a lot of amazing things and people can be touched by them, but then in doing all of that, you can still be out of God’s will for your life! This will cause you to be burnt out and miss moments that He has specifically for you because you’re out of line.
Over the years, I’ve learned to be more intentional with my purpose. My life can sometimes be a bit chaotic — my husband and I are always in the middle of NFL demands, philanthropy work, homeschooling, etc. It can feel like a constant tug-of-war. I have to sit down with God and allow Him to show me what He has planned for me. “What’s the potential, and what’s the purpose?” I ask Him.
If we maximize our purpose, we can then maximize our potential inside of that purpose.
Here are 3 steps I take to help me continue putting God first in my purpose:
1. Be intentional in learning more of His truths through His Word
With all we have going on, life gets extremely busy and chaotic, but it’s essential for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus first, and as my husband does the same, it provides so much freedom to be intentional with placing God at the center of our family, platform, and philanthropy work.
2. Constantly reevaluate my heart
When I surrendered my life to Christ, I began to realize that regardless of what happens in life, only one thing matters — I must live a life in service to Him. So although I wear many crowns, the crown of being the daughter of the highest King is the greatest one to wear and poilish daily. Doing so, allows His love and truth to overflow into all of the other areas of my life.
My husband and I are two imperfect people working our way to a perfect God. With both of us pursuing God faithfully and constantly reevaluating our hearts, it helps us to understand our marriage comes next, then our children, then football, then philanthropy work.
3. Spend intimate time in prayer
In prayer, I’m not always asking, but many times praising Him, repenting of my sins (those done both knowingly and unknowingly) and yielding everything over to Him. I know I’m a mess without Him, so I’m constantly trying to grow our relationship.
I always encourage individuals to understand that the only thing that will determine if we will spend eternity with our heavenly Father is if we keep Him at the center of it all. If I’m an excellent football wife, mom, or philanthropist but a crummy disciple of Jesus, then I’m living my life in vain. And being great at all of these other things will not guarantee my place inside the kingdom of God — only my relationship with him. Going to church on Sundays and doing good deeds does not secure me a spot in the kingdom or a relationship with Him.
Only intentionality, growth, and intimacy with Him in my purpose, and living a faithful life of boldness, truth, and service will count in the end!
Overall, 2019 was an amazing year! Although I hit a few bumps (which I’m sure I’m not alone in that), I learned a ton about my strengths and weaknesses; I learned what happens when you move ahead of God; I birthed a beautiful baby girl; and I fell more madly in love with Big Zaddy, lol!
Now that 2020 is here, I’ve forced myself to sit down and not just make a list of resolutions but also to write out strategies to help me meet those goals. Even further, I’ve solicited accountability partners that I trust and who have permission to speak into my life and call me out on my crap. I went as far as creating a few consequences and incentives to motivate me to stay on task!
I must admit…my list of goals for the new year is rather large and even a bit vulnerable. Nevertheless, here are 22 of my favorites:
Wake up before my kids to spend alone time with God and myself before the chaos.
Serve those around me more and intentionally make disciples.
Stop apologizing for my greatness, for pursuing dreams, having our platform or having boundaries!
No longer bend on my boundaries and accept that I’m not for everyone. 🤷🏾♀️
Put an expiration date on some of my goals. (I’m setting alerts in my phone calendar to keep me on task.)
Be stressless, and try to control less.
Have a few adventures!
Take more alone time without guilt to become a better version of myself.
Build my social media presence so that I can impact the lives of others through transparency — pointing everything back to Christ.
Read 2 books a month.
Become better at time management.
Become more organized and productive.
Commit to our diet and exercise as a family.
Love Demario in his love language more!
Be more intentional with my kids and with shaping their futures.
Baby, maybe? 🤔
Speak life into myself.
Be more vulnerable with those who I know loves me unconditionally and don’t feel the pressure to ALWAYS be the strong friend!
Judge others less.
Reevaluate my heart more.
Work out the kinks in relationships with family and friends I’ve been stiff-arming because of pride!
Trust God’s timing, purpose, plan, and process!
It is my prayer that the year 2020 brings about holiness, boldness, self-love, and a servant’s heart for you all! I love ya!
Let’s check in on each other this year to make sure we’re making changes and fulfilling our purpose!
My husband, Demario Davis, and I use his platform in the NFL as our ministry.
How is that?
First, you must understand that a lot of times when we think of missionaries, we automatically think of people who are going to the poorest of places to share the Gospel. But that’s not the only way God moves.
God has elevated us for a mission that is not normal in the eyes of most. He has said to us, “Not only do poor people need Jesus but also people who think they have everything — but yet they have nothing because they don’t wholeheartedly have Me!”
It’s true. There is missionary work to be done on different levels, in different places. It doesn’t all look like work in the slums of cities. Spreading the Gospel is about using the platform given to you, wherever that might be.
Our platform allows us to reach and encounter both individuals and entire communities that we typically wouldn’t have been exposed to. It has elevated our voice, giving us a place to be heard by people who wouldn’t normally listen to us share God’s truth. As people often fix their eyes on us, we boldly (in love), attempt to shift their eyes to Christ!
So, here, amongst wealthy athletes and high-profile entertainers, I walk alongside my husband in ministry.
I encourage you to use your platform to do the same.
Enjoy a space to connect, be empowered and educated to seek Jesus wholeheartedly, identify blind spots, seek growth, learn to love, forgive, laugh, cook amazing food, and understand that living the in the spotlight is not always roses & candy.
